my main purpose of joining the committee, its not for myself... its partly to boost my profile, partly to help god father in information but most of all, is to get to know more about what you're doing, get more involved in what is happening to you, warn you if there is anything and most importantly, help you in anyway i can.

as usual.

the golden days

Actually I'm quite confused on what i'm thinking now...

is it just a moment of repulse?

is it that i too long never see u, den suddenly today see u?

is it that without talking politics and nth attacking me?


i find back that you're cute.. very cute. even cuter den the 1st time i met you. although getting darker and darker.

on the long bus journey home, i began thinking, a little of reliving the past, think that what will be happening today if i had learned what i've learned, seen what is outside and had a little more experience.

for me, it's as usual that hard mouth, not wanting to act weak. but not really what i meant inside.

since the day of your absence, few had came knocking.. one even recently, 1month back from club.. but none met the standard you have set as the 1st.

if i were to choose now, it'll still be, you.
that cute little button nose.

haix.. pretty vex nowadays.. also dono who to talk to.. club stuff, personal stuff, family stuff.. seriously my mood havent been good for e past 1-2 weeks.. dont feel like doing anything. just slack around.. dono how many ppl kena my attitude alr.. sorry.


inter-club finished just last week but i totally sucked in it.. number 1 is too long nv train, gotta force myself.. number 2 is my mind is very messy.. totally don feel like competing..


3 weeks more will be polite.. god. i dono how am i going to compete in that 1.. alot of eyes are on me.. but this really aint the right time.


haix why am i feeling like that? it was never mine in e 1st place.. so why e fuck am i feeling like this? freaking not logical.. like the saying goes, chances are everywhere.. but is it mine?

NO.

i've been thinking... why is i treating me as a stranger when you don't need me... the possibilities i have thought of, you said no... i am really to my wits end here..


and i really dont know what to do now... i can only sit here and look, see, wait and keep quiet... which i really dont feel comfortable doing so...

hmmm...

how i wish i can be with you.

but i very well know, that i dont match up to u.

haix.. sad.. i'm very sad n disappointed.


didnt have good sleep for days, woke up feeling very tired. waking up at weird weird hours that not i wan.. looking at my phone but there is nth.. i'm sooo tired.


it made me very tired physically n mentally. no mood to plan for my trainings, execute my plans, shooting is going down the drain as competitions are nearing each day... my RP MVP title is going down...


totally no mood for anything.

hmm back date abit.. anyways this is complain blog... yea last friday wendy's bf called me to scold me. cox of some unhappiness between me n wendy. ok i listen because i understand and agree on his stand... becox of 1 word, bastard.


the archery ppl always see how she've treated me, although i've put in great deal of effort to talk to her, help her n stuff... like taken for granted. elwin always tell me, wa wendy bastard u like this, why u still bother about her? i got 1 answer only, i dono. as the heart takes over from e logical brain of mine.


i always say i'm used to it le, i'm used to it le... but actually, inside totally not used to it. it still hurts like the very first time, everytime. sacrificing myself for her sake.


mostly in vain.


today, i have done another thing totally against my will again... becox my logical brain aint taking the lead again. spent money to buy something which i have to stick with for another like wat? 2yrs? its like 500bucks... spend it just like this, which doesnt suit be best...

yes it is my choice, but can let me talk it out, release stress?


i wanted to get a new 1 which is 200 more ex... but it looks so nice... and its new, which specs oso suit me best... that is the logical me. but the emotional me, i'll do stupid things without even a second thought. once i feel its worth it. wait, actually i dont.

i will sacrifice myself to help u. infront of me, where i can see the real u, i cant bear to see u sad or disappointed. how cold my heart can be, it wont be.


haix i dono... i'm really losing touch on wendy n mr lim. so be it ba... he dowan such a student like me, i have nth to say.


i have always a strong attitude.. things don go my way or thing i dont care about, i will totally ignore it... like my dad and aunt. ignored by me. for 18years undefeated. now i'm getting the retribution. same treatment by the person i care about most. wendy.


somethings are totally out of my control and i cant change it. the only solution is to do the best i can in it.

hmm let me see.. i thk the point of e post i have said be4... n quite afew times i guess.


anyways finally had a meal with ma n pa ytd fish head curry my favourite from my place here...cox good friday no meat. so was talking about my results... yea i can do well better i agree. n i will.


and ma keep asking me to go back to church... i thk i havent go for like 1yr already? totally lost e motivation for almost everything.. including studies.


although i didnt tell ma, but yes i did make a 'deal' with god. yes i know its wrong, but thr aint other ways. i said i will go back n even offer my services to church if god helped me this once... show me the way back 'home'. after 1yr, it still didnt. i dono what are his plans, but i do mean my word. or until he tells me something else. and yes, i do trust in him.


but anyways, i seriously do see no future carrying on like this alr. 1yr i've been here, done everything i possibly could. hurting myself in the process mentally, physically and monetary wise. i've seen alot in this 1yr but i still hold my 1st judgment that this girl totally fits my requirements.


although i've said this before, that i'll wait till my 21st birthday n hope she'll step with me through this milestone. it is real soon and in 17 days. i guess this is it. but seriously i do not wish it. i really wish to push back my 21st to as long as it takes. but i cant.


i guess i'll wish u well than. hope god will be with you and you will be at the very center of my prayers every night. giving u strength and motivation in your daily life, objectives and milestone. to lift u on his shoulders when you are in dire times.

i cant be there, but i pray he'll keep you in his arms.

amen.

hmm after that day, u're like totally drop off my radar le...

sms nv reply, msn nv online (i thk u block me), blog nv update, fb also nothing of ur trace where u are always active at...

hope you're fine... really

hmm too bo liao go and count how much have i saved in the pig i have on my table... i saved full 1yr only like got $241 sio... so bloody little... tot will like at least have 300 or something.


last time 2 person saving awhile like afew mths have 150+++ alr... truly 2 person is stronger den 1... and its becox its u.. =)

talking about jie's baby... i suddenly remembered the day when little girl eudora came to us... lol thinking back, was quite fortunate and feeling quite bad too... as usual if i am stress or something happened which is our of my level to understand, something like shock or the feeling like totally lost, i tend do things very very out of the normal... in simple, do weird things.


and yea... that time was still in ite and she was still with me... rushing down to mount avernier if i'm not wrong... after training... cox as usual fri was a compulsory training day n cant run... 23/5/08... so i thk i was very kan chiong, rushed down... got e msg of the birth like at 3pm? but can only get to go off at 6pm... so... -_-


den i thk i scolded u for walking slow i thk... wrong number 1... but eh, its still not the worse hor... ok den i forgot what happened again, but i don thk u were unreasonable or anything... but i dono y i said this shitty words... i love my niece and she is of my ultimate priority... i'll defend her even if u get in e way...


haix thking about this, haix... i seriously dono why did i say this. and from wat i rmb, u didnt rebuke back but quietly listened... yes i rmb very clearly e times when it occurs to me... seriously i dont handle shock cases very well when it occurs on me... really doing weird stuff...


coming to think clearly, why did i say those words? i have defended u against mummy n family's criticism when u 1st started with me and before they knew u better... and have defended u again mummy n others even now when they say about u... my temper u know they know.. they try anything funny against the things i hold dear, they'll get it. inculsive if its my parents against me.


it was all my fault seriously. and this is what i explained to them. mum, aunts, kor, jie.


if u read this, i'd feel better.. cox i finally let this off... always thk of this matter i'll feel fucked up.


i'm sorry

argh!!!!!!!! 1 word, PAIN!


inside pain, outside oso pain...


outside pain is obvious, my sun burn.. now anything touches it no matter how light, also PAIN!!!! even the gentle touches of the shower water when i bathe. -_-


inside pain is because i change new form... my old form don look good and i have a rough idea how it came about now...
the form i used is to conserve my strength... as u all noe my body size is damn skinny so nothing to withstand my freaking heavy bow weight... so my form is tailored to my bow... and i do well with it.

now, i wanna change to standard form, so everything must straight line. but straight means when i anchor, body tension is still present and is 44lbs... this is correct to have correct push pull. my old form is to lock my arm so tension will ease off, to save my energy... so i can last longer...

now, i get very tired even after like just 12 arrows? how sia... i need minimum of 60 arrows den can tired.. my old form can handle hundreds of arrows on my 44lbs bow.. now cant even handle 12. dilemma u noe..

but now i have time to next compe, so i guess i will push the limits to change my form den to stay put.

the pain now is unbearable.




haix... i'm only posting this thing here... outside i'm the strong and unyielding Eugene CHIAM! only here, u can get to see where i truly break down... truly admit stuff that i dont admit on e outside. and say out the things from the deepest depths of my heart.


in time i trust i can learn to handle my original bow.. but truly, my main motive is to help u. most stuff i do outside is just to show ppl, to justify what i'm doing. so that they wont say anything. i do things all fully planned, its hard to know without asking me. and i only reveal the truth to e person deepest in my heart.. =)

everything i do, i think of u 1st..


anything i dont bear to use for years, i use it on you without a second thought


doing real stupid things, just to help you.


spending thousands of dollars, just for you.

=)



stupid or dedicated? you decide. i just feel that, i still love u.
afew have knocked, all sent walking. stubborn or steadfast? you decide.
am i worthy or truly dedicated to u, i have no say.
looking at u everytime, i dono to smile or fear.
it aches 2inches to the left, yet i want to be around you.
its been sometime through this nightmare and i have totally learned mistakes.
the last time aint taught me anything, but this did.
only with having learned, that i'll be this certain and unwilling to yield holding on.
holding on is painful, lonely and crazy.
will u get another 'boy' this crazy for you, i rest my case.

creator, eugene chiam
for, you

training was alright today... i dono why when i talk to any girl, the bros will like chey chey chey... -_-. they should know thats impossible uh... my expectations aint that.


and i am quite pissed of with one of my best teammate in rp.. bj. damn it.. can see he's quite down to earth. get close to people who shoots well. especially wendy. so i thk he in particular help her bf alot... i stand one side can see very well.. when wendy is nt around, he stick n play wif elwin. when wendy is around, he don care much about elwin and 100% talk to wendy n her bf... haix.

1st time i shouted at him, SHUT UP BJ! was alr quite pissed and when i was talking to coach he say chey chey chey... like say me haolian. cox coach ask me don over push myself, but i wanna push e limits, be able to take more... fuck!!!!!!


anyways... i do wish to care everything abt you... but if u dont want me to, i wont.. =)

and i do cherish e things u've given me. and i really do hope u keep e stuff i've given u.. especially e very first few or significant 1. like the 1st gift i gave u for your 1st gold medal.. =)

gek xim and vomit blood

hmm i have been thinking why when i have the free time. reflecting what have i done wrong, what can be done better and what can be prevented.


after a chat wif dawn ytd, talking about the r/s of tm and her.. i asked her how did she take it so lightly.. she said becox she've been thru this many many times wif him.. to the 50th time she said? she said he fickle and cant make up his mind. initiate a break-up with her, yet come back to her days later. i asked why cant he be more decisive? not like he got any concerns i guess? she said she wanna know why too..


and she said, u're the same. to me. decided to break-up wif wendy, yet now i cant let go. i did not make a reply to that statement.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------


after thinking throughout e night, this would be my response..

i have never been in a relationship, so the first impression on how wendy treats me, i take it that it is the standard. i wont go any lower. and i can tell u, those days was heaven. feels nothing like it, like everything is taken care of, and whatever i say, she'll follow.


but soon after my strictness and restriction grew, things changed to be slightly not so heavenly. so i thought that she've changed and getting below the outside 'standard'.


now, after i've been single for almost a yr, i started to understand what is the 'standard'. for people who know me, i'm quite a straight forward person. when i'm in something, i do not look outside. i only do my part and excel in it. i dont see what others are doing, and frankly, i dont really know whether i'm doing up to standard or under-standard.


and yes, after 1 year of looking at other people's r/s and how one treats the other, i now regretted fully the choice of leaving. as the saying goes, you'll regret once you've lost it. the standard out there is far far lower than how wendy treated me. the dedication, the sacrifice and the time she's willing to give. everything.


yes although the standard of e wendy i knew when we began on 8 june 2007 and the ending on 3 june 2009 have quite a difference, but i can only say that partly or most of it was my doing too. it takes two hands to clap, changes i see in her may be made by me. and the standard on 3/6/9 is still far better than the standard out there.


so... i really do envy the people that she cares... cox 2 yrs ago, i was at the top of e list, just below her dad.. i presume.


my intuition tells me she still like jianhui... but for myself, totally gone case.
haix just i'll hope that she is happy and support her whatever i can, unlimited.



-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

sunday, ah ma threw a birthday dinner for me and melvin (my cousin also 21st b.day, younger den me 5 days)


sis suddenly say small girl not feeling well, not going le.. mummy was not totally happy. than kor is getting baptised as a catholic soon and he is still like half half.. skipping seminars.. so mummy was nagging all e way in the car.. i'm already very feeling not happy cox of my own matters...


as usual dad drive buay zai 1... so ma scolded dad.. den dad burst out... dig old stuff n scold ma.. den she cried. i sms jie and ask her to help me do something... she called me n passed to ma... ma cried n spoke to jie n kor on e phone... solved abit i guess.. but cant 1.. needa talk face to face. ma still nag abit.. say they only say, never action. so i scolded both of them.


this is what i've said.


she is your daughter and my sister. please give her the benefit of doubt. she say, we gotta believe. who ask her to be your daughter n my sister? we love her. dont we? so we gotta believe her. a house divided cannot stand. we gotta trust her. trust begins at home. if we dont have it, we wont be a family already. it becomes just a place to come back and sleep for the night. just like me n wendy last time. she did things that i do not agree with and i know she did it, no doubt. but she say she didnt. what can i say? i'll have to believe her. who ask me to love her and still want her?

there are things out there that we cannot control. we just have to accept it and do our best at the situation.


both of them went quiet. until we parked our car at marina square.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


ok enough of all these stuff...

off to update my bkk trip and my new x7 arrows..





my phone wallpaper for very long

hmm when i'm really really dulan or angry, than i will keep quiet and dont talk.

when i'm tired or hungry, i will not dont talk as most people know i love to talk. saying that i'm hungry or tired, is just an excuse. if one think that i'm tired or hungry thats y i dont talk or look very sian, you dont even know me.

hmmm hmmm hmmm... like nth to talk about.. so bored this holiday.. wanna chionh work, no work. wanna chiong training, rp train very little...
wasting my life away meaningless.


anyways.. its been almost a year le.. if u noe wat i mean. i didnt expect or tot i would n could wait this long with totally no progress but still i'm at it.. those who knows me, know i have very very limited patience which will drop anything with no results in no time.. but, yup...
it seriously feels like forever..


guess my 21st wont have u by my side le.. sth which i've hoped 2.8yrs ago, but lost it somewhere n everything ended up like this...


seriously i also dono y... u can talk to jh, also ur ex like normal, but talking to me with such attitude.. i really wanna know why.


and yes... i would rather have u as my good friend, than never have you in my life at all...
you are important.

sian... just don feel like doing anything today...


woke up at 11.. bathe n play mordern warfare 2 which i have completed full 7 times and i totally can play it with my eyes closed. don feel like going out but no choice, ting's b.day lunch... so dragged myself out @ 1.30pm... reached lot1 at 2.10.


had ajisen for lunch and ate some cake... oh ya i'm 100bucks poorer now... haix dono y i must bother even when i'm so broke..say real oso none of my biz le...


and they decided to watch percy jackson and the lightning thief... its the show i wanted to watch for like 1mth but nobody to watch wif me n i cant find a dl for this movie.. damn. but i seriously don feel like doing anything... so made some excuses and i left. yup went home...


that should be all... maybe gonna play another time mordern warfare 2... for e 8th time. i'm so bored.. no new games -_-

spent one hour reading all the old memories... after reading every single post than i realize..


hey how come somethings written here i never knew? how come last time i could not make out e meanings of somethings she nv say, but now i read and i can?


haix.. it really takes time to learn. to understand and to experience.


only can regret, why was she my 1st gf? why did i not know how to treat a girl right be4 this.


chinese song got one called xiang ai hen wan

http://ilovetortise.blogspot.com/



*miss that sweet little girl*